A Powerful Realization - I Don’t Have to Accept My Default Settings
This was the answer to a question I have been pondering all summer.
Is it okay to be comfortable, to accept the energy that life is bringing me, and not battle with it too much? Or should I step up and fight for myself and what I want to create in this world?
In my prior life, working in insurance, every day felt like a battle. It was exhausting, but in the discomfort, there was growth. In my new life, running my own business, working from home, and being my own boss, it is much easier to fall into a comfortable flow, to trust what life is bringing me, to not battle with life, but to accept what is happening.
And so this summer, as my motivation and focus departed with the cooler weather, I allowed myself to let go of doing and effort, and just be present to what is. It's been lovely. I have worked but balanced that work with activities, friends, parties, and events. A little travel and a lot of fun. But as the summer stretched out to its longest day, holding the darkness at bay for as long as possible, I felt my resolve waver with the light and an inevitable draw to get back to work.
Consciously, I wanted to work. Unconsciously, I wanted to relax and enjoy myself. Caught between these two competing desires, I found myself revisiting old questions that have been in the background of my mind most of my life.
Is it okay to just be comfortable? To not stretch beyond what you are? To choose a path in life of least resistance? Who says you need to be someone anyway? I don't want to compete, let alone win, I don't want accolades and recognition. I want to become masterful at what I do, and let my work speak for itself.
I want a quiet, powerful success that has meaning and impact beyond what I can measure and I want to be comfortable and at ease while I do it.
But deep down there is a desire to grow. I really do want to fulfill my potential, to go beyond what I am now. Why? I am curious if it's possible for a working-class girl, who was very insecure as a kid and as an adult, who wasn't ever anything special, who got an education, was capable, but didn't think that highly of herself. Is it possible, for someone like me, to overcome my fears and make a difference in the world?
So as I continued to distract myself this summer with housework and gardening, there was a feeling of unease. Something was out of alignment. I wasn't focused on the path I have been on for the last 4 years. I wasn't reading, learning, studying. I wasn’t as motivated to write. I didn't feel like creating or initiating anything and so I didn't.
I allowed myself to be comfortable, I let myself off the hook. I trusted that this low energy for work would pass. It felt stagnant like I was in a holding pattern, an aircraft on a runway awaiting permission to take flight.
But what do I do? Try and work, with this sluggish energy, force myself into action, even though it feels like I am carrying the dead weight of my distracted mind. Or do I just keep flowing with the energy that is here?
Resist or accept - that was the question!
A Wake-Up Call
When I met with my mentor, Ken, and told him about what had been happening this summer. He listened, quietly, as he always does. He asked me a few questions, and after I responded, he said:
"Stop being lazy and work out what the fuck is going on!"
“Wait, what?” I laughed.
His words hit me like a shrill, high-pitched alarm clock hammering its wake-up call, abruptly, disturbing the peaceful quiet lull that is the middle of the night (or in my case, the quiet lull that was the middle of my summer).
Ken was disarming in his directness, but I felt an abundance of care, and support from him, and noticed a cheeky glint in his eye.
We have these patterns, or habits of thinking and behavior, that can manifest explicitly in the form of frustration, anger, resentment, or depression, or more subtly, in the form of demotivation, low energy, or a low mood.
The "negative" feelings, are an indication that your brain has some unhelpful programming, where it's running a default perception or story that is not helpful to you anymore and you can use your will to clean it up.
Ken advised me to journal, to write about it, to understand what was happening until I got some perspective, and some wisdom, and to let that guide what action I choose to take.
This conversation was like a shot of espresso, I not only woke up, but I felt this shift in energy. I felt myself get off my ass, I was ready to fight for myself and my potential. There was something I could do. I could clean up this mental fog, this clutter of old thinking that no longer served me. I dug out my mental Dyson and got to work!
Stepping Back into Action
I took Ken's advice. I journaled.
As I allowed my unconscious thoughts to pour onto the page, I immediately understood the pattern that was playing out. Insecurity. Fear of being visible, fear of success. Fear of taking command of my life.
I have a tendency toward being passive, letting things unfold, and not really fighting for myself, or directing my life. What Ken was telling me, really cut to the heart of that tendency and shone a bright light on it for me. I don't need to be passive, I don't need to be a victim of my moods anymore. There is something I can do.
In writing, I also realized that I have a pattern of being hard on myself. Not critical, but focusing more on what I haven't done, than what I have. I am humble, maybe too humble at times, so much so that I don't recognize my value. I tend to question myself and overthink things and that hampers my performance and limits my impact. I lose conviction in what I am saying, and when I lose conviction my words sound weak.
Why do I do that? I am trusting my insecure thoughts, more than my wisdom. Simple.
I was ready to fight back and strengthen my will against this pattern of insecurity and passivity.
Breaking the Habit of Insecurity
The timing of my conversation with Ken was perfect. I was about to deliver a workshop to a team at my old company, and I could already feel the subtle pangs of insecurity creep in. The narrative that my mind likes to create, makes the workshop seem mission-critical and super complicated. I could already feel myself shrink.
But not this time. I decided to use my will, to keep those insecure, fear-laden thoughts at bay. I noticed them creep in, and I wasn't going to give them the time of day. It was a hugely empowering and uplifting experience.
I delivered the training. I was present. Relaxed. Still a little nervous with adrenaline, but not overwhelmed by it. I felt a taste of freedom from the fear that has shadowed so much of my life.
I don't think my words can fully reflect the significance of this experience. But I know now, that if I am experiencing a mood that I don't like or an energy that doesn't support me. I can do something about it. I don't have to accept it.
I am not a victim of my mind’s habits and tendencies anymore.
I realize now that I can strengthen my will in those areas of my life where it is weak, by committing to take action and using my will to bring to fruition what I know in my heart is important to me.
How to Override Your Default Settings
We have everything we need to thrive in life: Awareness, wisdom, and free will to choose.
I can use my innate gifts of awareness to identify the patterns that are holding me back, or creating unease, and shine a light on them. I can tap into my wisdom and let that guide me to understand these patterns and what I can learn from them, whether to clean them up, make a change, or let them be. Bringing the pattern into my consciousness gives me a choice, it shifts the power from my unconscious habits to my conscious will.
And I can use my desire for growth, my deepest and most compelling desire to fulfill my potential and to do something meaningful with my life, to fuel me, to help me do the things I want to do, whether I am nervous or not. My habitual mind is not going to run the show anymore.
Like cleaning a house, there will always be some mess lying around. That drawer in the kitchen that has a mismatch of crap in it. The cupboard upstairs full of old workbooks, and long-forgotten knick-knacks. I don’t need to clean everything up, only when I notice them, only when I sense unease or that something is holding me back. I think that’s the work of a lifetime.
Over to You!
What habits do you notice playing out and how do they hinder you and hold you back from realizing your potential?
Get curious and ask yourself the question Ken asked me: “What the hell is that all about?”
Allow yourself to freely write whatever occurs to you. No judgment, no corrections - just see what comes up. Write until you gain some understanding and perspective. Armed with that new understanding, what makes sense to you to do? Is there an experiment you would like to play around with? How would you like to be when you notice that pattern start to play out next time? If you could consciously create a new pattern, what might that be?
Then commit to the experiment - be decisive in your actions and see what happens.
If you found this article helpful and would like some support in gaining freedom from your mind’s habits feel free to get in touch - melanie@therestorativecoach.com
Podcast Recommendation
I have been listening to a lot of Tara Brach recently and this talk is so powerful and so true and is particularly helpful when observing your patterns. It’s about being a kind, non-judgmental witness of your experience.
I hope you enjoy it.
