Take the Needle off the Record
Have you had that experience where you hear an old tune from your childhood, and it takes you right back to that feeling, to when you were little, and how you saw life? Even the sights and smells come back to you. It's like you are in a time machine transported back to days gone by.
That's what happened to me this morning, but it wasn't Blondie's - Heart of Glass that I heard, or Kim Carnes' - Bette Davis Eye's. Those two tunes really suck me back into the late 70's, early 80's. Instead, it was another old record; “I'm not powerful enough”. "Why do you always play small?". “Why are you not taking more leadership?".
Last night I went to a Town Board Meeting. I sit on the board of a Not-For-Profit, called Pawling Yoga and Wellness. It's an amazing community organization that offers yoga and wellness services on a 'Pay What You Can' model. The owner's mission is a compelling one: To provide wellness services to every citizen of Pawling, irrespective of their ability to pay. We were approaching the town to see if we could continue renting space from the Recreation Department. I was asked to read out a couple of testimonials to demonstrate the impact the yoga and wellness service has had on two prior clients.
I haven't stood up in front of an audience and spoken in a long time. Naturally, I was nervous. As I stood at the lectern, I introduced myself and read the testimonials. I could feel my breath was shallow. I was running off nervous energy. I felt, maybe ‘weak’ is too strong a word, but I didn't feel grounded at that moment. I didn't feel powerful.
Afterwards, when I came home, I purposefully didn't dwell on it. I didn't seek comfort and reassurance from my husband. I didn't want to put my energy there because I knew it wouldn't be fruitful.
But this morning, that old record started playing. The old story I have told myself many times. It's the fundamental fear of not being good enough, not being powerful enough, and it left me feeling disappointed. I know it's just a thought, and although it feels real, it's still an illusion. But there was part of me, that still believes it to be true.
I was chatting with a coach friend this morning, asking, will I always have to live with this narrative? Will I ever be able to put this behind me and really reach my potential? And I loved what she shared with me.
The skills we learn as a child, if kept unconscious, will limit us as adults.
As a child, I learned that having a tantrum and fully expressing my emotions was not a good approach. It drove people away from me. I learned that, to backchat, to be cheeky, was endearing to people. I could make people laugh. But I also learned there was a fine line between being cheeky and being disrespectful. I learned that, to feel safe, it's best to occupy the middle ground. Don't be too visible, or too confident, “don’t get too big for your boots” because people will want to bring you down a peg or two.
There was nothing wrong with learning these lessons, and adapting, as I did as a child. There is a lot of wisdom to these skills, it keeps us safe because it keeps people wanting to love and nurture us. And through my adult eyes, I see the innocence in those responses I had. I was learning how to thrive and survive. In many ways, those tactics have served me well. My ability to connect, to see other points of view, to be non-threatening and less judgmental allows me to create rapport with people. People sense my integrity. I am not driven by the desire to win or make others look bad. I am driven by a desire for connection. That stems from a need to be liked, it shows up in my people-pleasing tendencies, but it's allowed me to forge powerful, long-lasting friendships. It's made my life richer in many ways.
But as I grew up, some of these perceptions have held me back. That desire for safety has kept me from raising my head above the parapet. It stops me from taking center stage. By taking my turn at the lectern last night, I was breaching an old rule that little Mel had made up years ago. And because I was feeling vulnerable this morning, I knew I had been nervous speaking in front of people. The old record of me not being powerful enough, or confident enough started playing and, with it, all those old familiar feelings came rushing back. I felt insecure and weak, and then judgmental of myself for having the experience.
What I saw this morning, in my conversation with my friend, was that the old records lose their power over time and the way to take the heat out of them is by being aware of the fact it’s a record playing. It's not real. It’s not who I am. So every time those thoughts come back into my mind, it's almost like I am testing myself to see if I am buying into them anymore. And every time I don't take it seriously, and don't react to it, it's like I am gently lifting the needle off the record. It may still spin, but I am choosing not to listen to it.
I am wiser and older, and I see it for what it is. It's an old tune, an old memory, that I don't have to believe anymore. I don't have to react to it. I don't have to take it seriously. And, the less I do, the less power it will have over me. The less it will limit me.
I know I will hear that old record again, but when I do, I know I am listening to it with different ears now. And I know I can choose to take the needle off the record.
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How do your beliefs and perceptions impact your experience of life?
Are you curious about how your beliefs and perceptions affect how you experience life? Would you like to understand how your outlook on life is holding you back or propelling you forward?
Would you like to better understand what makes you respond to stressful situations so you can start to make different choices?
The Energy Leadership Index Assessment is a proprietary attitudinal assessment developed by the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching. It measures how your beliefs and perceptions are creating your day-to-day experience of life.
How do you show up on a good day?
How do you respond to stress?
The assessment highlights the patterns of thoughts and beliefs that fuel you and those that hold you back from living a fulfilling life. Shining a light on these patterns is an important first step in creating awareness of how your mindset is impacting your engagement and performance at work and at home. It measures your ability to lead yourself and others.
Or contact me to discuss: melanie@therestorativecoach.com
