How Do I Stop Worrying?
This is something I was curious about. Even though you know worrying doesn’t help, we get stuck in the habit of worrying about stuff and it creates a feeling of unease and anxiety to be worried all the time.
Why do we worry? I think we worry because at some fundamental level we believe it helps us in some way. Here are a few ideas that come to mind about how we see worry as helpful:
Worrying is an expression of care. The more I care about something or someone, the more I worry about it or them.
Worry is the ultimate motivator. When I worry about my work, it compels me to try harder, to work longer, and it makes me focus.
Worrying keeps me safe. The more I worry about something in advance the more likely I will prevent something from going wrong.
Worry makes me successful. If I didn’t worry, I wouldn’t be as good as I am at my job.
How I Stopped Worrying
I was reflecting this morning on what I know about worry that might be helpful to share. My relationship to worry has changed dramatically these past few years. Over time I realized that worry doesn’t work for me, but it took me to look for myself to realize that it was ineffective. This is what I know to be true about worry.
It's Not Real
Worrying doesn't mean something is about to go wrong. It doesn't mean anything about anything. It's not real. Most of the thoughts I have, I don’t take seriously. And worrying thoughts is another type that I choose not to engage with. It’s helps to understand why we worry. Our brain has one job to do, keep you alive. Faced with ambiguity or uncertainty, our brain tries to make sense of something it can’t make sense of. We don’t know what will happen in the future, so worry is our brain imagining the worse, and all that does is generate fear and anxiety. How often do those worries ever prove to be true?
“Worry is a misuse of imagination.” - Mavis Karn
Worry is using our imagination to scare ourselves, into action or inaction.
It’s Draining
Worrying consumes a lot of my mental capacity and energy. It's draining. Rather than thinking about more productive and helpful things, my brain gets stuck in a loop trying to predict the unpredictable. What other cool, inspiring stuff could you be spending your time thinking about, if you didn't worry so much?
It's Not Me
I am not my thoughts. I am the witness, the observer of my thoughts. This separation between me and my thinking has made the biggest difference to me. It's like listening to a radio station, if it starts playing a song I don't like, I can either change the channel or let it play on and ignore it. I can still go about my business when a song I don't like is playing. It doesn't get to choose how I live my life and what I do or don't do.
I Don't Take it Seriously
The less I take my worrying seriously, or any of my thinking seriously, the lighter and happier I feel. The more I buy into my worries and believe they mean something, the more I worry. And the more I worry, the more tense, rigid, and constrained my life becomes.
Worrying is a Choice
You can either choose to worry, or not to worry. It’s up to you. I choose not to because it seems to be a waste of time and has nothing to do with how things ultimately turn out. So when a worry thought pops into my head, I ignore it because I choose not to worry.
Trust is the Answer
Worrying is a reflection of me not trusting myself (or others) to respond to life in the moment. I know that if one of my worst fears ever came to fruition, I would work it out at the time. In fact, I am excellent in a crisis. Because I don't have time to worry, I just act on instinct and good stuff occurs to me to do in the moment.
I Think the Best
Worrying weighs me down. It takes the fun out of life. I don't want to think the worst anymore. I want to think the best. I used to think the worst so I wouldn’t be disappointed, but then I would end up miserable most of the time, going through life with this negative, impending doom lens. I want to give life the benefit of the doubt. I want to give other people the benefit of the doubt. I would rather be disappointed for a short time, than miserable for most of it. I want to see the glass as half full, not half empty.
It Doesn't Work
Worrying doesn't work for me. It never has. I don't do well when I am tense and anxious. I lose my sense of creativity and lightheartedness. I stop trying things out when I worry. I tend to freeze and struggle to move forward when I am thinking about what might go wrong.
Not Worrying Does Not Mean I Don't Care.
I realized I can still be thoughtful and conscientious, and care about how things go, without the weight and pressure that worrying creates. I love to prepare for things. I love to do my best. I am invested in being the best I can and that's what draws me forward. I like the carrot approach, not the stick of worry baring down on my back.
What Do You Know About Worry?
I am not saying worrying is bad or good. For me, it doesn't work, and I came to that conclusion by exploring worry for myself. You can read other people's ideas about worry, but ultimately, it's up to you to look and see what makes sense. While ever you see value in doing something, you will continue to do it, so it's worth looking objectively if worrying works for you. If you discover it doesn't, it probably doesn't make sense to keep doing it.
Experiments and Exercises
To help you see for yourself if worrying works, consider these exercises:
The 'Does Worry Work?' Exercise
Does worrying work for you? Take a piece of paper, and create two columns. Label column 1 as Worried, and column 2, Not Worried.
In each column answer these questions, so you can see your answers side by side. I suggest you answer with simple words like anxious, happy, and think of as many as you can that you experience in each column for each question.
How do I feel, when I’m….
How do I approach problems and challenges when I’m…
How do I act toward others, when I’m…
How is my sense of well-being when I’m…
Take a look at your answers
Have a 'No Worry Week' Experiment
Who knows maybe worrying is good for you, maybe it's a really positive experience for you. You get to choose. And worrying is only a problem if you think it is. If like me you realize worrying is a big waste of time and energy, then I challenge you to have a "No Worry Week" and see what it's like to just shoo those worries away and not listen to them for a week.
If you do that, what did you notice?
