How to Stop Being so Hard on Yourself
How do you motivate yourself? Do you compare yourself to others and let the worry of ‘not being enough’ compel you to work 10 hours a day? Do you criticize your every mistake, in the hopes that if you are hard enough on yourself, you won't make a mistake again? Do you constantly tell yourself there is more you should be doing? Do you torment yourself with the thought that you are not delivering fast enough? Or do you fret about not being impactful enough, and worry about what other people think of you?
It all sounds pretty harsh. It’s no wonder we find work difficult, why we find it hard to keep going, why we question if it’s worth it to keep rising up the ladder. What may surprise you is that these habits are pretty common among professional people. Most of us use fear, doubt, criticism, and worry to push ourselves to work harder. I thought it was the key to success. The harder I was on myself, the more likely I would succeed. The more I worried, the more likely something will turn out well. In reality, all that accomplished was me feeling more stressed and more pressured. Both are essential ingredients to limiting performance, dampening down creativity and curiosity, and are essential for draining energy and confidence.
Why do we do it if it’s so ineffective? One, we live in a culture that invests in the belief that success is born out of stress and struggle, and two, we don’t know another way to approach it.
So how do you change your relationship to work? How do you break these habits that create stress and pressure?
I am reading an outstanding book at the moment, called The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. I started reading it after a coach said it was one of the best personal development books he had read, and I can see why. The book takes you through a journey of understanding yourself. Understanding that voice in your head and helping you see that voice is not you. When we are able to stop identifying ourselves as that voice, we create some distance and the distance creates space for objectivity and discernment.
In the book Michael talks about our internal voice, the voice that never stops, he calls it the Inner Roommate.
Your Inner Roommate
Take a moment now and notice that voice in your head. That internal narrator that has an opinion about everything it sees, how it narrates life to you, how it labels what you see, what you feel, how it judges what you do and what other people do. How it likes to draw your attention away to the past, or to worries about the future.
When you start to observe it, you start to see how unhelpful that voice is sometimes.
It's indecisive
I am sure you can relate to wanting to change a habit, like going to bed a little earlier in the evening. One minute, your internal voice will be egging you on to switch the tv off and go to bed, you know you will feel better in the morning, and in the next second, the voice is arguing the opposing side: "One more episode of Breeders won't hurt", "This is the only time I get to myself all day, I am not going to spend it sleeping". Our inner voice is the master of arguing the opposing sides. It’s no wonder we can find it hard to make a decision, it's no wonder we can find it difficult to make changes and move forward with conviction.
It's opinionated
It judges you, it criticizes you, and it compares you to others. It reminds you of why you won't be successful. It tells you you're deluded for thinking you are special. It reminds you of your past mistakes, your past failures. It tells you why you won't be able to overcome this hurdle.
It loves problems
Your inner narrator likes to help so it loves to find a problem to focus on. Have you noticed when you solve one problem, how your mind immediately latches onto another? When was the last time there wasn't a problem to be solved? Your internal narrator is the most astute problem finder ever. It will keep you focused on problems your entire life if you are not careful.
It makes stuff up
It makes up stories about what other people think of you. It scares you with what might go wrong. It misuses your imagination to freak you out about anything and everything. Your inner roommate doesn't like you taking risks, it doesn't like you going into the unknown and so it will do its best to keep you safe and small. It tells you not to apply for that job, or not raise your hand in a meeting. It makes you nervous about doing a presentation. it just wants to keep you safe and so it uses fear to stop us from doing things.
It holds on tightly to every mistake
It reminds you of the thing you said wrong, the time when you shared an opinion in a meeting and no one listened. It doesn't just do this once, when you do something 'wrong' it likes to repeatedly draw your attention to it and if it can’t find a mistake, it will make stuff up!
So here's what's really interesting
We believe that inner voice, that roommate is us. We believe we are our thoughts. We give that voice so much credence, that we listen to it, we make decisions based on it, and we react to its made-up fears and worries. We take it very seriously.
Speaking with a few different professionals these past weeks, it's apparent that a lot of their suffering, and their stress, stems from taking their internal narrator seriously.
But that voice is not you. If it were you, then you wouldn't be able to hear it. Just consider that for a moment. It's not you.
So what and who are we? I think that question is probably above my pay grade, but Michael Singer points to us as being the energy inside that has the ability to observe the voice. You are pure consciousness. You are the thing that is aware of the voice. Understanding this is the key to breaking many of our unhelpful habits of thinking.
Take a moment now. Close your eyes and observe your thoughts, observe the narration. What is it saying to you? Have you noticed how it never stops talking? When you relax a little, settle in your chair, and feel the weight of your body being supported, and you take a breath, can you feel your presence underneath the thoughts? Can you feel the energy inside of you? Can you see how it is separate from the thoughts?
Changing the goal posts
When I came to understand that my thoughts were not real or true and they were not me, I found freedom. Freedom from my insecurities. Freedom from my worries and fears. Freedom from my perceived limitations. Freedom from my habits of stress, pressure, doubt, anger, frustration, and impatience. Because I could see, for the first time, that all of that stuff was only ever generated by my inner roommate, and the more stirred up and agitated it was, the more unhelpful the voice became. Seeing that voice as separate from myself allowed me to become the observer of it. To discern when I listened to it and when I didn't.
Stress, pressure, anxiety, all of it stems from that roommate, that voice inside your head. If it were a person outside of yourself, telling you those things, saying those things about you and other people, would you listen to it? Would you go to them for advice?
There is a common analogy used in meditation; you are the blue sky, and your thoughts, that internal narrator is like the clouds passing through. Sometimes those thoughts can be stirred up, loud, and full of negative energy. But like the blue sky, you can never be damaged by any passing 'thought storm'. Because it is not you. When you realize the distinction between yourself and your thoughts, it's liberating and empowering.
The more you see those thoughts for what they are, the more it naturally quietens down. Going back to the roommate analogy, if you stop asking your roommate for help, if you stop going to it for guidance, then over time, you start to reduce its role in your life. You can start to appreciate how it innocently tries to help you, but you also see how that help is distracting, how it impedes you, how it gets in your way of having clarity and conviction. You start to see the innocence in it and you can start to have some semblance of forgiveness for it.
How do you motivate yourself without using pressure?
In the absence of stress and pressure, we naturally fall into a flow of creativity. Ideas occur to us, solutions appear more easily, and we find simpler answers to complex problems. What appeared difficult, now seems easy. A poor outcome or decision leads not to disappointment, or regret, but to notice opportunities for growth. When we stop engaging with our insecure, stressed roommate, we create the capacity for our wiser self to take the driving seat. We stop reacting to work, and start setting the pace. It's a subtle shift in our engagement and relationship to work. With more clarity and conviction, we start to feel more confident and at ease. It doesn't mean stress will disappear, but it will mean you will recover more quickly because it will stop making sense to weigh yourself down with a lot of worry and pressure. When we stop beating ourselves with a stick, we notice what interests us, what energizes us, where we can add value. The carrot naturally seems more of a compelling and wiser way to engage with work.
I still have a roommate. there is no ending that tenancy agreement, not in this lifetime anyway. I still get caught up in its creations, in its narrative. But I am never really lost in reacting to it because there is a part of me that is anchored into a level of consciousness. I am still able to observe it, even in the midst of experiencing it. I can be annoyed, resentful, and frustrated, and know where the experience is coming from; my inner roommate. When I notice I feel closed off, judgmental, rigid, frustrated, annoyed, all of those lovely emotions, they are a cue for me to realize my inner roommate is stirred up and while I might not be able to make it shut up, I can choose to slow down and stop listening to it.
Like a child in the midst of a tantrum, it runs out of steam pretty quickly when there is no reaction to it.
Are you ready for a change?
Do you feel ready to break free of your habit of stress and pressure? Would you like to have a different relationship with your inner roommate and stop being at the whim of its creations and start to be the observer of it? Curious how you can feel more confident and take some of the extra weight off your back?
If you are open to a conversation to explore this, feel free to schedule some time with me. No charge, just an opportunity to connect and maybe see something new.
