Waking From a Dream
An old friend paid me a visit recently. Not a person, but a dream.
In the dream, I am enjoying myself, relaxing, having fun, lost in the moment, and then suddenly a feeling of dread would pour over me. I would remember I have a plane to catch and if I didn’t hurry, I was going to miss it. Despite all my best efforts, things would obstruct my progress. I would end up in a cab that got lost, or I would end up getting separated from my husband. The train to the airport would break down, or get diverted, or I would realize I was on the wrong one. For a person who is punctual and organized, this is a nightmare for me, and something I would never let happen in real life. The feeling of panic would rise as I realized I wasn't going to make it in time. And as my anxiety reached a crescendo, I would wake. Relieved that it was just a dream.
Unfortunately, in the dream, I am not lucid enough to know it's a dream while it's happening. I am fully embroiled in the reality my brain is creating while I sleep. The panic and anxiety are visceral. The frustration at trying to get somewhere but being blocked feels heavy and scary. There is a sluggishness to it as if I am in quicksand, and no matter how hard I try and move forward, I am stuck.
In some ways, it's not surprising this old recurring dream has made a return. I am no expert, but our minds often play out what is happening in 'real' life, but in a distorted way through our dreams. Our underlying fears and doubts are magnified in ways not visible or obvious to us during the day.
Yet I have noticed an old familiar pang of insecurity hovering around in the background these past few weeks. It's that unsettled feeling I remember as a kid, that feeling of uncertainty, of not feeling safe in myself or my environment. It’s a feeling I should be doing something more than I am. It's anxiety.
Why is it here?
In short, I have no idea.
I have searched for a reason. Is there more I should be doing at work? Is it because of my hormones? I am 47, perimenopausal and increased anxiety and depression are known side effects of hormone fluctuations. Is it my grounding? Is there something I am misunderstanding, or not seeing? Am I doing something wrong? Is it because I am not accepting the experience? I am resisting this low mood, trying to find a way out of it rather than letting it be here with me. When we feel discomfort, when we experience anxiety, depression, anger, or frustration, we tend to close up. We retreat. We become tense and rigid. Our instinct is to resist the experience. But all we do is hold onto it tighter, we close it in behind our walls.
Can you see what I am doing here? I am falling for the illusion. I am engaging with this problem as if it's really a problem. I am forgetting where this problem stems from and it's got nothing to do with hormones or work, or anything else. It's all to do with the quality of my thinking. My perspective. When we are low, it's not our highest self in the driving seat, it's that old primal brain trying to steer the ship. It's my primal brain that is creating the illusion that there is a problem that needs to be fixed.
"Thought creates our world, and then says, "I didn't do it." - David Bohm.
The monkey mind creates the thinking that there is a problem, but then says, hey it wasn't me, it must be something to do with your hormones, or your job, or your partner.
We tend to project our problems onto everything other than the source, our thinking. And this is at the crux of the illusion.
When I am asleep and I dream about being late, I have this visceral experience of anxiety and panic about missing the flight. Well, that's what our minds do during the day when we are awake. Our brain creates our reality. It creates the thinking that creates our experience. Unlike when I am asleep, I have a level of awareness that this happening, and sometimes I can step back and see the ‘dream’ play out. And when I do step back, when I do see through the illusion, it’s like being lucid in a dream and knowing it’s just a dream. It doesn’t impact me because I become the observer of it. But it’s sometimes hard to see through the experience. Why? Because it feels so real. Because all my senses, my thoughts, and my feelings are all aligning to create this magnificently real experience. Just like the dream feels real when we are asleep, so too does the illusion our thinking creates during the day.
So, it's forgivable and understandable that I fall for it time and time again.
So, what can you do?
First, it’s to acknowledge there isn’t something I am doing wrong. I am not feeling this way because I am failing in some way. Just like I can’t control my dream, I can’t control what thoughts pass through my mind. I am not choosing to have this reality. This is a really important point and one that I overlooked in the first draft of this article. There is an underlying belief that I am doing something wrong and that’s what fuels my brain to search for answers.
Although I am not choosing the thoughts that pass through, I can choose how I relate to the experience and what meaning I make out of it.
I was listening to a Michael Neill podcast episode this morning. He talks about how consciousness heals. The higher our consciousness, the more we zoom out, the more expansive our perspective is. It's the difference between looking at a problem through a microscope, versus looking at a problem from a helicopter, flying 10,000 ft high in the sky. The problem tends to shrink and possibly disappear the more distance, context, and perspective we give it.
Why is that?
The higher our consciousness, the more we raise our heads above the fray of our thinking, and the more wisdom is revealed to us.
Wisdom helps us see that this experience will pass. It reassures us we are doing our best and that is more than enough.
Our wisdom trusts, where our ego doubts.
The higher our consciousness, the more we see our primal brain’s neediness and insecurity for what it is, noise that we don’t need to listen to. And with that comes a deeper knowing that this experience I am caught up in, is just a part of the journey of life. It's part of the human experience. I am experiencing my thinking and when the quality of my thinking drops, so too does the quality of my experience. It's not something I need to work out or even fix.
To be honest, I am not out of it yet, I have moments of lucidity and moments where I fall back into trying to work out why it’s happening. I can still feel a battle going on inside, where I am listening to the insecurities, I am believing that I should be doing more, than I am not enough, and the battle to say no to it, to not listen to it. Writing this article has helped as it has made me step back, and it's elevated my perspective. It's also helpful to share this experience because it reminds me that it's totally normal and entirely universal. We all experience anxiety. We all worry we are not enough. Those things you are scared about, feel personal and unique to you, so it's easy to think everyone else is ok and it's just you that is broken. That couldn't be further from the truth. We all must carry the burden of our egos and suffer the human condition. It's our guide, our teacher, and our friend.
I will continue to explore this bump, not in a bid to work out why there is a bump in the road because the more I zoom in on the 'why', the bigger the problem looks, but more to see what I can learn from it. So far, it's been a valuable reminder of what it is like to navigate lows, and an important reminder to be patient and understanding with myself while I am here. I know, deep down, that part of what is extending this experience is how I am relating to it. I am believing these thoughts mean something, I am believing there is a problem when there isn’t. But ultimately, what I am seeing right now, in this moment, is that I am fine. In this moment, life is great, and I can see through the illusion. Underneath my thinking is my wise old soul, guiding me through it. Untarnished by my mind's imaginations and creations. Remembering that, and seeing that, wakes me up from the dream.
Get In Touch
Thank you for taking the time to read.
If you can relate to this experience, and want someone to chat to about it, feel free to schedule a call and connect. Who knows, maybe we will both see something new and helpful.
Any comments, thoughts, or reflections you want to share, you can email me here: melanie@therestorativecoach.com
I would love to hear from you.
