Are You Fighting With Life?

I have been in a battle.

A battle with my mind. I have been tangled up in my thoughts. Caught between two competing forces. It's like a boxing match between two heavyweight champions.

In the red corner, we have the ego! Mighty, strong, powerful. The superior protector of my life.

Well, not really. It wants to be seen that way, but it doesn't believe it is strong or powerful. In fact, in the red corner, the ego is feeling insecure, small, and weak. It sits there worrying about how it's not enough, how it will never win this fight. I should be doing more, being more, I must be better than this.

In the blue corner?

There is the essence of you. It's a feeling. A feeling of being full and complete and at ease with what is. It’s a feeling of knowing that all is well and that all will be well. There is nothing to be done. There is no skill that is lacking or knowledge that is missing. There isn't a right thing or a wrong thing to say. There is nowhere to get to. Nowhere to be, other than here. The blue corner is quiet and serene. It's the letting out of a breath. It's the relaxing of the muscles. It sits at ease with itself, with a slight smile on the lips and a warm tingle in the eye.

Over in the red corner, the ego is up out of its seat. It's on guard. Scanning the ring for problems, anticipating a blow. At the slightest shift of a shadow, it swings out a punch into the air. It looks behind, and ahead. It chases its tail looking for an answer to a problem that doesn't exist. It's tiring. It's tired of the unsettled feeling that comes with anticipating a fatal blow at any second. It's tired of looking over its shoulder. Of comparing itself to others and coming up short over and over again. It can't rest. If it does, it fears it may never get up again. It must keep going. It must get better and be more prepared for whatever competitor, or should I say problem, may enter the ring next. It's been in training for years, yet still doesn't feel prepared. Doesn't feel ready. There is a never-ending stream of problems to fight, there is always somewhere to get to. And so it worries that despite all of the effort and attention it puts into this relentless fight, to solve life's problems, it's never enough. It feels weak and lacking. It feels insecure.

It's stuck in a fight it will never win because there is no competitor to beat.

It's only shadows in the ring, the shadow cast by the ego's insecure thoughts. But it hasn't realized that yet. It thinks the shadows are coming from other people, from challengers, and aggressors, people trying to outdo it. It thinks life is against it, that life is something to be battled with, something to be worked out. So it judges, blames, and fights with the world, at odds with itself and those around it. It hasn't realized it is the one creating the shadows, it is the one creating the problems.

It wants this fight to be over. It wants to rest more than anything else in the world. It wants peace and stillness. It wants to feel at ease with itself. It wants to sit in the feeling of the blue corner. But the only way the ego knows is through action. It's in more doing. It thinks it needs to try harder to find peace. I need to learn a new trick, a new skill. I must read another book. I am lacking in some way and that’s why I am not at peace. I must work this out.

I must effort in order to achieve effortlessness. I must work life out and then I can relax.

The ego doesn't know. It doesn’t know it has got it the wrong way around.

It doesn't know that all it needs to do to be in the blue corner, is to take a few steps, sit down, and let go.

Becoming The Spectator

I am so thankful that I notice all this. I notice my thoughts and insecurities. I notice when I am overthinking. I notice when I am getting caught up in a tangle in my head, battling with myself, wanting to be at peace but feeling the unease of my insecure mind and getting drawn into its fight with life.

I didn’t use to notice. I used to take my worries, and doubts seriously. I believed that if I thought I should be further ahead than I was if I thought I wasn’t enough, then there must be some truth to it.

So every thought that I noticed, and it was usually the heavy, insecure, anxious, thoughts that caught my attention the most, I believed them. I thought they were cues, helpful nudges to let me know I was doing something wrong. I listened to them, I believed them, I tried to work out what they meant, why they were here, and would find myself punching at shadows, getting more tangled up in the illusion there was a problem to be fixed. I also acted upon them. I made decisions based on those insecure thoughts and it usually didn’t end well.  The more seriously I took those thoughts, the worse I felt. When I acted upon them, I felt out of alignment with myself, like I was letting myself down in some way.

It makes sense to me now as I write this. Because those thoughts are not me. I don’t need to believe them. I am not the content of my thoughts; I am the thinker. When you identify yourself with the content of your thoughts, you are attaching your internal experience of life to this out-of-control variable, to this roller coaster, where your emotions will peak and trough with the natural ups and downs of the quality of your thinking. You become your emotions, I am anxious, I am insecure. When you identify yourself as ‘the thinker’, that’s solid ground. I am the thinker of the thoughts. The observer. The thinker is constant. The thoughts are the variable. The blue corner is the constant. The red corner is the variable.

But I didn’t realize this. I didn’t know that I could choose not to listen to this stuff. I didn’t know that I didn’t need to take all those thoughts seriously, that I could let them pass by without so much as a nod of acknowledgment. It’s no wonder I struggled with life. I was eating up all this self-doubt as if it was true. I felt unprepared and ill-equipped to deal with whatever problem might enter the ring next. And so we resist and blame and point the finger, we project our experience onto the world around us. But when you notice, you see that your experience is coming from inside, it’s coming from your ever-changing thoughts. That’s where your feelings are coming from. And when you realize that you don’t need to engage with every thought that passes through, when you see that it’s your insecure ego’s ramblings innocently trying to keep you safe, you can sit in the blue corner and watch it play out. You can let the fight pass you by without even having to get out of your chair. There is nothing to be done. Because the beautiful thing about thought is that it constantly flows. You can let an insecure thought pass you by, and another thought will be right behind it.

Your Brain is Lying to You

Take a moment to consider all the thoughts you believe about yourself. And then ask yourself if it’s helpful. Is it really true? Does it motivate you to believe you are not enough? Does it inspire you into action when you think you should be doing more, and be further along, or have reached that goal you haven’t reached yet? Does it fill you with confidence to believe you are an imposter?

It doesn’t help me. It hinders me. It takes the wind out of my sails and leaves me feeling insufficient. Your primal brain is trying to keep you safe and alive, but it’s primitive in nature. It’s childish and insecure. It is a shroud that hangs over your potential, that clouds your creativity. It’s a protector that blocks the light and gets in the way of your brilliance shining through. At least it tries to. It wants to keep you hidden, but believe me, your brilliance still finds a way to shine through.

So I have been battling with my inner narrator, my ego. I have become intolerant of its lies. I see it creating false needs and beliefs that don’t help me but impede me.

But I am thankful for the fight. It’s one I plan to win and I am winning. Because I see it now, for what it is. I see how my brain produces thoughts in a bid to protect me. It creates fearful thoughts to keep me small. It tries to build a wall around me to keep me safe. I used to believe it, I thought it was my friend, I listened to it, I took its advice, I let my insecurities be my guide and they led me to discomfort and unease with myself. But I see it. I notice it and I see through it. The beauty in seeing through it, is I see what’s on the other side. I see my power and potential to bring to life what I am inspired by and interested in. I let that be my motivator. Freedom. But it’s not somewhere I need to get to. I can take a seat in the blue corner and relax.

And when I relax, I know I am right where I am meant to be. I know there is no wall, there is no cloud shrouding me. I know that I am more than enough. I know I have everything I need to navigate this life. I know that life has got my back, and I can fall into its flow and let it be my guide because it’s taking me in an amazing direction, it’s taking me on a journey beyond my ego, it’s showing me who I truly am and for that, I am forever grateful.

Would You Like to See More of This For Yourself?

Start to become the observer of your mind. It’s not about working out why you are anxious, it’s not about analyzing the content of your thoughts.  It’s about sitting in the blue corner and being the spectator. Notice the variable nature of your thoughts, how they ebb and flow, how they are sometimes insecure and sometimes hopeful, and then notice you are the thinker, you are the constant sitting in the blue corner.

Noticing is like a needle that pops a balloon. It bursts the illusion your thoughts are creating, and it invites you to wake up. And in that wakeful moment is peace, clarity, and a knowing smile. I am ok in this moment. I am the spectator, not the fighter. You start to see you don’t need to fight with life, you don’t need to keep punching at shadows.

You can sit in the blue corner and notice.

Does This Resonate?

Was this helpful? I share these words with you, my experiences with you, in the hope that they bring some comfort, some peace of mind, and maybe a little hope. I write to let you know you are not broken, and your insecurities, and stress, are normal. You are not weak or lacking. We all get caught up in the illusion. I want to share what has been helpful to me because it’s transformed my life. I don’t think I fully appreciate just how much this understanding has impacted me, but it’s beyond measure, it’s beyond my own comprehension. I want to help other people see through the illusion of their thinking, to see their brilliance and potential.

If you feel a nudge to comment or write to me, your reflections are most welcome. If you know someone who would like to see more of their brilliance, who would like to see through the illusion their thinking is creating, consider sharing this article with them.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

melanie@therestorativecoach.com