The Lies That Bind Us
Do you notice how hard you are on yourself sometimes?
You berate yourself for a mistake, regret what you said or didn't say, and punish yourself for it. You give yourself an internal telling-off, criticizing minor mishaps and missteps.
It feels horrible when we talk to ourselves like that like a child might feel when their overbearing, strict, harsh parent berates them for a tiny mistake. It makes us shrink on the inside. It’s harsh, unloving, and at a deeper level, you know it's not true.
I used to be hard on myself. There is nothing like waking up in the morning and pouring over a laundry list of stuff I said or did wrong the day before and then getting annoyed with myself because I didn't know why I couldn't just get things right.
It's like the misguided parent who screams at their kid - they know it's not effective, and actually, the parent also knows it's them who is out of line, their reaction that is wrong, not the innocent mistake or misstep of a child.
But here's the thing - do you notice when you are listening to that critical narrative about yourself that there is another part of you that knows it’s fundamentally not true? A quiet, calm, kind energy inside, that is observing the internal drama play out, and knows the truth of who you are. You are doing your best, you are learning, you are committed and determined, and want to be the best you can be. It's a forgiving, kinder perspective. It’s the truth.
A Loving Gramps
It reminds me of a time when I was 8 years old. My Dad was returning from South Africa to the UK after finishing his work contract. My mum had bought me a new dress and shoes to mark the occasion. New shoes were hard for me to resist, they still are; as soon as I get them, I have to wear them. Immediately! So I put on my perfect new white shoes and go outside to play. I am running around, skipping, and darting about in my new shoes with wild abandon. Of course, they get scuffed. Badly scuffed. My mum went ballistic. Clearly, the stress of my dad's impending return was weighing on her, but my scuffed shoes were the projectile that not only crossed her line but came hurtling back at me, crossing mine, as she screamed in frustration at what I had done. I cry, bundled up in a ball, when my grandad walks in. Observing this drama play out, he immediately jumps to my defense and implores my mum to cut me some slack. My granddad was my savior, not only in that moment but throughout my life. He was a kind, loving man, a solid, constant presence in my life. And that's the energy of that deeper part of you that knows what's true about you and who you really are because that kind, forgiving, loving energy is you. And it wants to defend you, to wake you up, so you can see how amazing and wonderful you are as you innocently do your best to navigate life and do good in the world.
A Compelling Habit
But there is a strong magnetic pull in self-criticism, like a drunk who can't resist another drink; it's a habit of responding to life that has become familiar and easy; it’s a default response. And like a sturdy crutch, we reach for it when things appear to go wrong; we respond with that punishing, critical narrative, believing that if we are hard on ourselves, we won't make that same mistake again.
This is the crux of what I wanted to share this week. That internal battle between the truth of who we are and the lies our egos create to try and keep us safe. The lies, while innocent and unconscious, are a judgment born out of our distorted belief about ourselves, and it keeps us small. It traps us in a cage of our own making. It inhibits our potential and our creativity, and I think women, in particular, are very good at constricting themselves, hiding their light under a bushel of self-criticism and humility.
My Own Distortion
This week, I saw a distortion of my own, a judgment I had unconsciously made that kept me in a procrastinated, distracted state again. I committed to writing an article this week and designing the flyer for a 3-day program I am running in January - Realizing Your Inner Power. When I made these commitments to myself, I was engaged, energized, and really excited to bring this work to fruition. I am ready to expand my services and my impact. It's time.
But I just returned from a two-week vacation, I had jet lag, a mountain of laundry to do, and I was adjusting to wearing aligners (that's another story). So it's been a lot, and every time I sat at my desk to do the work I had committed to, I didn't feel like doing it. There was an unease inside, and I didn't feel like I was in the right head space to create what I wanted to create. So I avoided it. Procrastinated. I put it off until tomorrow. But the same would happen the next day, and the longer I avoided it, the harder it all seemed to be.
In a call with my coach on Wednesday, we unraveled what was happening, and I realized I was falling into the same distorted perception again. Not just one, but two:
I need to feel a certain way in order to create.
The work is going to be hard and complicated; inherent in that judgment is a belief that I am not capable of doing it. If I try, I will get myself into a tangle; it will overface me.
This is a much more subtle, unconscious example of a distortion I had about myself and my work, but the impact is the same. I was shrinking away from doing what I really wanted to do because I perceived it to be challenging, and because I wasn't in the right head space, I wouldn't be equipped to deal with it. That distorted perception of the work made me avoid it and left me feeling weak.
Through our conversation, I realized this wasn't true. At all. I am more than capable of doing the work. I know that. I don't need to believe it because it's a fact. I also know I don't need to be in the right head space to do the work. Often, the right head space is born out of starting on the work. I know that to be true as well.
I felt a shift inside when I cleared my lenses and saw things more accurately. A lightness. I can do this work, and I really want to do it. It's important to me.
Later that night, it struck me how powerful, capable, and assured I felt now that I no longer believed that untruth. The distorted perception was the only thing that weakened me and made me feel inadequate. Cleaning up that distortion to see the truth of who I am and what I am capable of released me from that quagmire of indecision, distraction, and insecurity.
Fighting For The Truth of Who You Are
We often think we are shrinking back in the face of an external threat. In reality, the only thing that contains us is our own internal perceptions. And those perceptions we have about ourselves get distorted but look and feel rigid, nonnegotiable, solid, and true. So we don't even pause to question the perception, we don't look at the role our internal narrative is playing in creating the fear and the doubt - to us, it really does look like it's the email we need to write, the program we need to run, the executive we need to meet that is the cause of our discourse.
But it's your ego, that monkey on your back, that wants to keep you small and safe because its job is to protect you. And like that overbearing, harsh parent, it gets way out of line sometimes; it crushes your spirit and discourages you from taking action. It distorts your perception of yourself and reality, so you shrink back and stay small.
But here's the thing - it only has power when you don't recognize it, when you are unaware of the role it's playing, and when you believe what it says about you. When those narratives play out in the background of your mind and remain in your unconscious brain, you can't really do anything about it but react to it and be limited by it.
But you can take back your personal power from your ego by shining a light on its habits and stories, stepping back from it, and asking yourself, is this really true? Is it helpful for me to listen to this negative narrative?
You Are Not Your Thoughts
We identify with them because our thought system is so close to us that it's almost imperceptible. But you are not your thought system any more than you are your digestive system or hormone system. So, if you want to realize your full potential, stand in your power, and be who you truly are, you really must see this for yourself and start to recognize you are not that voice in your head. You are the one who hears it. In doing that, you can become the observer, the witness, and like watching a movie, you get to decide what seems realistic and true and what doesn't. I have realized that most of what runs through my mind is a false narrative born out of old conditioning and habits that have been innocently imprinted on my mind over the years. I can either be that conditioning, or I can be me. If I want to be the truest expression of myself, then I need to stop listening to the false narrative that tells me I am not good enough, not ready enough, and not as good as others.
The Ladder of Consciousness
A helpful way to gauge the quality of your internal narrative is to consider the ladder of consciousness. In its simplest form, if the internal narrative makes you feel small, insecure, fearful, or constricted, then it's a distorted perception your ego is creating.
Fact.
When you are aligned with what is real and true about yourself and your circumstances, when your lenses on life are clear, it feels light, empowering, and inspiring, and you feel capable and confident. Poised.
It's really that simple. You know this to be true at some level because you will have experienced it yourself. You can feel the difference between a lie and the truth .
Over To You
The next time you feel insecure, worried, or scared, pause and recognize the narrative your ego is creating in your mind. Write out the story your ego is narrating to you, put it down on paper, step back from it, and ask yourself, is this really true?
And keep writing because as your unconscious thoughts spill onto the page, you will eventually hit gold. That wise perspective inside that knows the truth of who you are. Allow that wisdom to formulate into words on the page, and as you do, that will also enter your consciousness and allow you to clear your perception.
When you reach your wisdom, and you will know by how it feels (remember that kind, calm, granddad energy I described?), ask yourself what is true.
You are worth fighting for. There is a powerful force, a deeper truth, and intelligence within all of us that gets masked by our insecure egos. The fight is to see that mask for what it is, to stop being so consumed by it and to get beyond it, to connect to the quiet, peaceful place inside of you that is always there, waiting patiently for you to bring your awareness and attention to it so that it can guide you.
That's the power that lies within; it offers understanding, perspective, wisdom, and clarity. When you listen to the truth, it frees you from the weight of your insecurities and frustrations and releases you into a spacious, light feeling that is full of potential.
I know I am intelligent, capable, and powerful. I didn’t used to believe that; I feared it would be arrogant of me to believe in myself. But it’s not a belief; it’s a knowing, and accepting who I truly am frees me to make an impact and fulfill a greater purpose in life.
This journey is not for everyone, but if you know at a deep level that your insecurities are holding you back, that you have been hiding behind self-criticism and doubt, and you want to stand more fully in the truth of who you are, get in touch and let's connect. It can be frightening to step out into the light to break old habits, but what lies on the other side of your insecure ego is fulfillment, peace of mind, and unlimited possibilities and potential.
melanie@therestorativecoach.com
