Why do we worry?
The North Yorkshire Moors
One of my strengths is my ability to think things through, to pre-empt risks and issues, and to consider potential impacts. This trait has served me well over my career. It's allowed me to drill into detail, design robust technology solutions, and zoom out and look at the big picture. Our strengths have a dark side and I think the dark side to my analytical brain is that I tend to get caught in overthinking things. Analysis Paralysis. Overthinking can lead to worry, which leads to doubt, and fear which results in inaction.
I have been in the UK this past two weeks visiting with family. Prior to the trip, I had some moments of intense worry. What if we catch Covid? What if we fail the Covid test and get stuck in the UK? What if we accidentally give the virus to our family? My dad and my in-laws are in their 70's, it would be terrible if any of them contracted the virus and unbearable if it was my husband and me who gave it to them. What if, what if, what if???
When I think these thoughts, I feel scared, doubtful, and unsure. In my need to relieve those feelings, I want to make decisions quickly to eliminate the discomfort of the unknown. My mind gets stuck in a loop of thinking through the possibilities, it's determined to find an answer so it can settle, but without immediate resolution, it can be draining to experience this loop of doubt.
Ultimately we decided to go to the UK. Our desire to see family outweighed the concerns we had about what might go wrong and deep down we knew we couldn't base our decision on fear. We put our best foot forward and went for it. On reflection experiencing those worrisome thoughts was unhelpful. It didn't affect the decision we made and none of those concerns came to fruition.
When I look back at other times I have worried, I can't think of a single instance where the worrying proved valuable. If anything all it did was create stress, fear, and anxiety and made it difficult for me to make a decision with clarity and conviction. Worrying created a barrier to moving forward and it caused a lot of discomfort and many restless nights with little sleep.
If it's so unhelpful, why do we worry?
I am reading an excellent book at the moment by Dr. Amy Johnson, called Just a Thought. She explains how our brains work. By understanding our minds, we can become less caught up in the experience they create and feel relief from stress, anxiety, and fear.
Our brains are wired for survival. They are prediction machines. The key to survival is to pre-empt threats before they can do us harm. Predicting problems gives us a sense of certainty and security. Our minds like to know exactly what is going to happen. Uncertainty creates a sense of unease. It's in this desire to predict the future that worrying thoughts arise. Ultimately we don't know what will happen and so all thoughts of worry are based on predictions that rarely come true.
Knowing that our minds crave certainty and when certainty isn't available, our brains will do their best to fill in the blanks, we can start to appreciate why we worry. We can also begin to understand that the prediction machine is just trying to keep us safe. But like an overbearing parent who worries about their adult child, we don't need to take their worrisome thoughts seriously. Instead, we can acknowledge what is happening in our minds and not buy into the narrative it's creating. We can be the adult in the room and say, thanks for the concern, but I got this.
The more I understand how our minds work, the less affected I am by my experience. Yes, I still have moments where I get caught up, but that's just a part of being human. When I recognize what's happening, I know I can step back from the experience and not feed more energy into the narrative my brain is creating. Instead, I am able to let go of the worries and recognize them for what they are. They are thoughts my mind is making up to try and keep me safe, but they are not to be followed blindly and I don't want them to drive my decision-making. Instead, I want to have faith that things will work out. When I look back on my life, that has always been the case, ultimately everything works itself out one way or another, and it certainly works itself out a lot quicker when I don't get overly anxious about it.
If you can relate to this experience of worry, the next time you feel your mind going into a tailspin trying to predict the future, see if you can step back and observe what is happening. Like clouds in the sky, these worrying thoughts will pass through. But you are not the cloud, you are the blue sky. Let the clouds of doubt and fear pass through, just in the same way a storm passes through, and take comfort in the knowledge the blue sky is still there, unaffected by the weather.
Take some time this week and notice when you are worrying. Does it help to remember that your brain is just trying to keep you safe? Does it bring you some relief to know those worries are not real, they are just thought and you don't have to be directed by them?
Give it a try and if you feel compelled, I would love to hear about your experience melanie@therestorativecoach.com
How coaching works
A coaching conversation is a powerful and effective way of disrupting our thought patterns and creating an opportunity for new insight to come in.
Albert Einstein said, “We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”
If you want to enhance your experience of life, if you are ready to change your outlook and take steps toward living a more peaceful and contented life, but you are not sure if coaching is right for you, contact me for a complimentary session and experience what it’s like to have someone listen to you deeply, with no judgment. Someone who will help you see yourself and your situation in a new light.
With new insight, comes new thinking, and with new thinking, comes change.
