Where are you creating pressure in your life?

You probably feel the pressure before you notice the thought driving it. It feels heavy, serious, there is a dash of shame mixed in, maybe even a sprinkling of nerves. You feel the weight of your own expectations. It feels uncomfortable like you are about to go on trial, but you are both the judge and the jury! 

Why do we do that to ourselves? 

I have noticed I create pressure when I become overly invested in an outcome. I raise the stakes, I get attached to something going 'right' and I have a fixed view of what 'right' looks like. And so the expectation builds. I also create pressure when I think something 'should' be done within a certain timeframe. So I get this sense of not going fast enough and that generates a lot of fear and doubt. Pressure also builds if I think I am not doing something I 'should' be doing.  Whenever you notice yourself using the word 'should', that's a good sign you are coming from a place of low engagement and high pressure. I should get that project done. I should call my friend. I should attend that meeting. I should clean the kid’s room. Should is could with shame. We shame ourselves into action and it doesn't feel good.  

I used to put myself under immense pressure at work. I worried about getting a good outcome on a project, I worried about how I would get my work done, manage a team and attend a full day of meetings. I am conscientious and I wanted to do well and I thought I had to do everything and quickly. No wonder I was stressed. I think I had a belief somewhere that pressure was necessary in order to motivate myself and to perform well. In reality, the opposite was true. When I put myself under pressure, often the scales tip out of balance and I end up overly preparing for meetings, rehearsing what I want to say, I overthink things and it makes me less productive and more nervous and ultimately a lot more stressed. When we are stressed our minds get very busy and it’s hard to get clarity on your next step. The more stressed you are, the less effective your state of mind is to be creative, and solution orientated. It’s very distracting and impacts our ability to perform at our best.

So if it's counterproductive, why do it?

I don't think we do it consciously. I think we do it out of habit. We do it to push ourselves. We do it because we let the worries and doubts creep in and because we invest in those doubts, we react to that experience and think if I just push myself harder, I will alleviate this discomfort. And so the pressure builds and it’s hard to catch ourselves in this system of our own creation.

What is the alternative?

First, it's important to recognize where you are applying pressure and consider if it's helping or hindering you. If it's creating stress and a lot of busy thinking, and it’s distracting you from being present and performing at your best, then it's likely the pressure is getting you more stirred up than it's worth.

Here are some ways to let go of the pressure.

Recognize when you are getting stirred up and stressed and be curious. Where is my thinking right now - chances are you’re either worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet, or you are dwelling on something that has been and gone. I call this horizontal thinking. When we are thinking about the past or the future, that is usually a trigger of stress and takes precious resources and mental capacity away from the task at hand. So get present, really present. What is real and true at this moment, what is the task at hand? Focus on the day ahead and let go of all the thinking about stuff that has already happened and stuff that might never happen.

If you are pressuring yourself to be perfect, then it's a good idea to learn about the middle ground. This is where 'good enough' lives. This is where we learn to give ourselves a break and to recognize what is real and true about the narrative we are creating and how can we reframe some of that narrative to make things a little lighter, a little more fun. Phrases like "it will get done, when it gets done" is a favorite, or "it will do for now". They offer some freedom and lightness and allow you to keep making progress.

There is no rule book that defines how long things should take. Most of the time you get to create the timelines, particularly at home and often, more than we realize at work. So start to see timelines as this thing you get to invent. Ask yourself if this timeline is something you are creating and if it is, how is it helping you to create this pressure. Give yourself some grace and space to get through the work. If there is far more on your plate than you can manage, it’s a good idea to get creative about what really needs to get done by you, what can you delegate and what really even needs to get done. I bet you have some stuff on that to do list that are ‘nice to have’s’ - delete them and lighten the load!

Check-in with your language. Catch yourself using the word 'should' a lot? Take a moment and think about how it would feel if you replaced it with 'want'. So rather than say I should go to that meeting, try, I want to go to that meeting. It's a higher level of engagement and it also creates an opportunity for you to enjoy what you are doing and to lessen the pressure and weight of expectation.

Application

Take some time this week and just observe your language and look for the 'shoulds'. Observe when you are creating pressure and check-in, where is my thinking right now on the horizontal line and how can I bring it back to the present moment? What do you notice about the correlation between pressure and your past/future thinking? Where are you creating pressure?

And lastly, life is short. All that stuff we stress and worry about doesn't really matter in the whole scheme of things. Kids want their parents to be present, not perfect. Bosses want their employees to be engaged and excited, not stressed and pressured. And I want you to experience a little more fun and laughter in your life because, at the end of the day, we get to write our own narrative and create our own experience so why not create a good one.

Thanks for taking the time to read. If you know anyone who might want some support in finding healthier ways to balance stress and pressure so they can perform at their best, I offer free one-hour coaching sessions. There are no expectations or pressure to sign up for a coaching engagement. I want to find ways to support professional women in the world so they can enjoy their lives and careers and it’s amazing how impactful one coaching conversation can be!

melanie@therestorativecoach.com